so much for my happy ending

so i'm sick of this weekend and it needs to be over. i wrote a hugeass rant in my secret journal. im not giving the link out, i only want a few people to be able to read it.

i just wrote something out and then erased it, probably for the better.

i just wrote alot more and then erased it, probably for the best. i wont put it online.

anyway i'm going to bed now, i wrote a long entry before and i'm not really feeling like another one.

i hope thursday works out with lyd nessa and i. t'will be good times.

night, y'all


where the goats are

jesus fuck blogger's new version sucks. it kept fucking with my code and it took me FOREVER to post this image.

where the goats are

wooo! clickie go biggie! thats lyd and i's big-inside-joke-of-the-moment, and if you look in my info its an ad for it. the sequel is coming soon, it will be just as chilling....

anyway thats what entertained me for a while. i didnt make the images, like the background and the goat, i just edited them. sue me! i did alot of work on it and i think it looks good.

i bet you're wondering why britney spears is the other star...well i wanted to be random. so there ya go!

wanting you, so desperately...

yea i'm really no good right now. i'm wicked worried about tommorow.
i dont know if my mom called peter and i doubt she did, and im just afraid that because i wont show up someone will call and be all mad at me or something. i really cant do it, and im not going tommorow. and nobodys really said much of anything about it, so its not like i even know what the hell i'll be doing. i dont know what the warehouse guys do.
and im really worried that someones going to be mad. like extremely worried. ughh....
i cant work during the week, it just wont happen. ughh...
and i have this really foreboding feeling that something bad will happen, and i just feel gross and sick because of it.
i worked on my main site quite a bit tonight and it looks nice, but now that i have to put stuff on it i think it's probably as good as done. i'm too lazy to do that right now. i wanna play a game and get my mind off all the shit i'll soon have to deal with.
but first...ice cream!
oh and btw, there is someone i want so desperately. none of you will ever guess, so dont even try.


when this is guiding you home

"such great heights" by the postal service.
SO MY COMP IS FIXED!!! par-tay!!!
so heres my last night and this day update. then i have someone special to talk about :)
so yesterday. work sucked ass. speaking of work, i hope my mom called peter and he knows im not coming tomorow because i'm really not. i really cant, and im really never going to.
i had to stay an extra hour late, my mom said she would get me at 5:15-5:30 and ended up coming at 6. what a waste of $9...
so i started cleaning my room (which really didnt need it, i just moved books around and stuff) and halfway through em called and asked if i wanted to go to ians. and i was like sure.
so a bit later her mom picked me up and we got lost but ended up at ians house. it was us, him, lyd and mel. we watched office space and played apples to apples.
so then i went home and finished cleaning my room. everything is really organized and stuff now. no more crap i dont need. i redid that today, cleaning out the other bookshelf and organizing it.
karl fixed my comp today. it seemed like he barely did anything, just typed a few commands and it started up. i was like wtf. i hate computers! lol.
i slept late today, didnt do much of anything besides set things up and make my room perfect.
my room is alot better now, i love it. i made a cd for me to listen to on the xbox so viruscan could run faster (btw it found a virus, which is the source of the problem and its gone now) buit xbox was like MEHHHH we dont LIKE you so i'm playing it on the comp now.
<333 bittersweet symphony
this is my top five songs (of the moment, though the top 2 are very concrete)
1 - dare you to move
2 - bittersweet symphony
3 - two way monologues
4 - tuesday morning
5 - two beds and a coffee machine
<333 those songs!
so those were my two days and top five. i'm very glad nathan is home and my comp works again, but im getting this really gross feeling in my stomach when i think about work. i really cant do the week thing. i just cant. and im not going to.  so whatever.
so i've found someone good now, and i really hope this works out better than last time, but unfortunately i wont be able to see him till august 10th. we're meeting at solomon, which is pretty much perfect. that way i dont have to get in a strangers car, i can just meet them somewhere. so much better. anyway he's wicked cute and we've been talking alot.
omg i LOVE this song. two way monologues by sondre lerche. pretty little norweigan boy with a hot voice and even hotter face. i'm getting more of his music and some other stuff soon.
i really wanna go to the mall. like NOW. so if you are interested, lemme know. nate and i wanna go, with like em/jack/lyd/vanessa or anyone who wants to go.
so i'm in a chat now and i kinda have to go, cant write and keep up with chats. bubbye!


yayyyy lyddies house!

so today turned out being wicked fun even though at the end of work i was like AHHHH
we had uber good times, and we got papa ginos which KICKS ASS and theres a ton of funny quotes and stuff.
its sooo hard to type on a laptop.
im gonna steal the quotes from lyds LJ later cuz im lazy and i dont want to type.
so im glad nathans home. i love all of these people, lyd em nathan and mel :)
we will have some interesting pictures soon, and quotes and stuff.
ok i'll write the rest tommorow. its so hard to type and i think em wants to check her mail.


my comp died :-/

so i have to use the crap crap upstairs one..but whatev.
right now its like suspended...the other day it went wicked slow and then just froze, so kasey was messing with it and i restarted, and now i get this screen that doesnt make any sense, so i cant even get on the computer. not even in safe mode. i'm going to have to resort to drastic measures to have it fixed...thats right..you know who i mean.
but whatever. i just want the files that are on it safe and sound. i have pictures from all our trips that arent on the dell, and pictures of you fine people, and over 1200 songs, all sorts of stuff that i dont want lost. so i really hope he who must not be named can fix it.
i'm only calling him that since i'm in such a harry potter esque mood. i finished goblet of fire today, reading at least 70% of it.
so today- boring as hell, i couldnt WAIT to get home. and then barnie comes up and wants me to work tuesday and thursday as well, where i will have to vaccuum.
the whole store.
the whole store.
i'll let that sink in for a minute..
so i just went out and got the phone, and nana & buppa are here, and she gave me more details about what peter had said about it.
apparently the warehouse guys would be glad to pick me up and bring me there during the week.
i dont like the warehouse guys. they are tres tres sketchy. i could see all of them out smoking pot, and they've never been particularly nice to me. i just wanna keep my twice a week cookie job!
i dont want to work more days and miss more parties (i've already missed a ton of important stuff, such as jackie's bday party and teresas going away party) and all for something i'm really sick of, with people i really dont like. and nobody understands. they're like "you'll make more money" i'm like fuck that. good times are better than money.
ughh...and on top of all that my comp is broke and em cant come tonight. i've had a fair few phone conversations in the last 20 minutes and from what i gather, joe james and jack are going out to eat, and lyd and i are picking up the pieces trying to figure out whats going on, or when the fireworks are, or when the hell the seilers are getting home. nathan better be coming tonight or a death squad will soon be visiting the seiler residence...
so john's here, i gotta go
ttyl, yo


john williams is my hero!

in all seriousness. i just love the harry3 soundtrack. a window to the past and secrets of the castle are my two new favorites.

so i'm all obsessed with harry and at this point im DYING TO SEE THE THIRD MOVIE AGAIN!!!

so kasey has left the xbox in my room and its kinda mine for now. last night at 11 i started playing harry 2, and i stayed up until 8 in the morning playing it. i almost had it finished, but i ended up finishing it today. i was very proud of myself lol.

we got the house cup and quidditch cup (i kick ass at quidditch) and i have all the spells and items and stuff. its a wicked fun game.

so i'm gonna read goblet of fire in a few, to distract myself from wanting to see azkaban again so bad. all my downloads so far have failed :/

im downloading some pics of the azkaban game from its official site, but they're taking forever. its 82% done by now.

so em asked if it was ok if i went out on my birthday, and she said she couldnt tell me where but it'd be the 5 of us. i love our 5 people group thing :) i'm all excited now, my birthday is actually coming up pretty fast.

speaking of which, today is the 15th. NATHAN WILL BE HOME SOON!!! he's done with classes today, then he will be coming home tommorow, and on the 17th he'll be here. then we're going to clinton fireworks saturday night (i just remembered i have work..shit) and then to sleep over lyds (if parents agree) and hopefully i can get home by 10:30 or so. i really hope all that works out!

omg i wish i could apparate to solomon pond and see if azkaban is still playing. OMG. *sigh*

i have other things to write about, like lots but as usual i cant.

oooohhh the BEST PART of secrets of the castle is coming on. its so pretty! im using it in my website i think, which i am working on. its pretty too. dark blue/light blue kinda theme, havent chosen any images yet. def. that music though.

so i think its goblet time, with some cran/rasp juice on the side.



i. hate. boys. period.

nahhhh jk! but seriously. kasey and jeff suck. they're in here playing xbox because my TV kicks ass and kaseys room is a dump, and they're just trashing every song i play.

its actually hilarious, i'm making some great comments, but whatever.

so i havent written in a few days but whatever.

my comp died today, it just kept crashing when i logged in. lucky jeff was here and got me into safe mode, then i was able to copy files over to the dell, then i formatted this computer and took back my other files. so i didnt lose music, pictures, i didnt lose much of anything. just the virus, and my organized winamp playlists :/ i have to format EVERY SONG over. oh well! i've already got A-D done in like 20 minutes. its worth it.

i met somebody new today. 3 people actually, 1 that i really liked. his friend andrea introduced them, she's a lesbian and he (andrew) is lonely and stuff. then i talked to him a bit. i had picture him the whole time as being a small cute kid, and surprise, he was! he's in florida until august, unfortunately.

i need to think that over.

hmm what else can i write about now....i need to install TRLE thats what i really want to do.

i reorganized my buddy list today.

the boys, the girls, the boiss, the grrls, the family, the alter-egos, and the others.

boys is straight boys, girls is straight girls, boiss is gay boys, grrls is gay girls, family is family, alter-egos is my other sns, and the others is people i dont like.

i unlinked darkspark today *teary eyes* FAREWELL!!!

so harry potter didnt work. matroska sucks! but there is an AVI file on the way. 3.0% :/

ughhh...anyway i'm out.


hmmmmm...what to get me...

for those of you who were wondering what to get me for my bday....


i'm dead serious people. actually what i really want is a time turner from harry potter. i've been thinking so much about this stuff lately and i really think its the coolest thing ever.

its so interesting reading all the theories online. people write so much about it. all the sites i've read say its possible- as long as we can constrain black holes and whatnot.

even though there are many paradoxes (go back in time, kill your grandmother, you were never born, you never went back in time, she was never killed...?!?!?!) physicists and people are all like there is no law of physics that prevents it. it is possible, we just have to learn how to do it. i think thats soooo cool.

i've been obsessed with the song "forward to time past" by john williams. it is on the prisoner of azkaban soundtrack, the song where harry + hermione use the timeturner. its so cool, full of clocks and gears and backwards stuff. that whole soundtrack is great! i <3 double trouble and lumos especially, in addition to forward to time past. i love the line something wicked this way comes. i made a new secret screen name based on it, i wont write it here or it wont be SECRET!

so anyway. actually in all seriousness, if oyu really want to know what to get me, a gift cert for suncoast, hot topic, best buy, electronics boutique or really any good store at the mall would be great. i would also LOVE a cert from bobs stores, because i worship bobs stores. thats kinda out of the way though, so you dont have to. alternatively, i would also love the switchfoot cd "beautiful letdown" but dont all of you get that! hehe.

of course joke gifts are fun too :)

but you dont have to get me anything, i wont care. i'm usually broke all the time too lol. seems the only times i really need money i just spent it all. bah-leerg!

so my dad is coming at 5:30-5:45 and we're going out to eat at some fancy place and then to see spiderman2. my dad was like its either that or dodgeball...i'm like SPIDERMAN. lol. i would also love to see harry potter 3 again hehe :D but i will soon. def! if im lucky, maybe by the time i get home. nah thats not happening.

i'm only staying at my dads one night this weekend, tommrow they're going to a party and im not going back for saturday night. it'd be pointless, i'd get there at like 8 and in 2 hours we'd all be asleep, then i'd wake up and go to work the next day. bunch of extra driving for no reason.

so i'll be back tomorow (saturday) around 6, after work that is. then i have work sunday (luckily i am missing katies CRAZY party) until 5. so either of those days i am free. plus i'm free all next week.

it sucks cuz i REALLY need to have a talk with vanessa about something but she's going to be gone all week. no offense to the rest of you but its not something i can talk to you about..haha :P

oooh! so my mom took katie and i grocery shopping today, and we made a KILLING. awesome food! bunch of different kidns of cranberry juice, pokemon (the other day i watched pokemon and yu gi oh for old times sake hehe, i'll probly keep watching them too) and spiral mac and cheese (like 8 boxes) ice cream, freezy pops, nilla wafers for me :) my special treat. and lots of other stuff too. GRANNY SMITH APPLES! *bows down and prays* digiorno and celeste pizzas..lotsa stuff.


i'm gonna post for you my mp3 player playlist. its crazy random and theres lotsa harry potter tunes but you can deal- (btw with birthday money from the fam and money from work i'm buying a new CDMP3 player from iRiver, it'll play hundreds of songs off of one cd)

1-)Redemption by Switchfoot
2-)Anxiety by the Black Eyed Peas
3-)Family Reunion by blink-182
4-)Dip It Low by Christina Milian
5-)Watch Me Shine by Vanessa Carlton
6-)Double Trouble by John Wiliams
7-)Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve
8-)Until The Day I Die by Story of the Year
9-)Sic Transit Gloria by Brand New
10-)Forward to Time Past by John Williams
11-)This Is Your Life by Switchfoot
12-)Lumos! (Hedwig's Theme) by John Williams
13-)Nothing Better by The Postal Service
14-)Dare You To Move (Video Version) by Switchfoot
15-)Soar by Christina Aguilera
16-)Aunt Marge's Waltz by John Williams.

thats the most random playlist ever..i have christina milian+aguilera, the black eyed peas, john williams, the postal service, story of the year and switchfoot. and some other stuff obviously but still. its like linkin park and snoop dogg! wtf!

i dont even have anything remotely rockish on there, unless you count until the day i die.

havent listened to that song in a while so i threw it on there. the other day when i was walking to davidians i totally rocked out to that song. boobing and whatnot :D dare you to move i also get very into. and this is your life- my new second favorite switchfoot song. i dont have to tell you which is my favorite.

so i'm just rambling and you're probably all getting bored. lol...so i'll leave now and go play aod for an hour or so.

i'll be back tommorow no later than 6:30.


have a lovely day :D


like today never happened before

welcome to the planet, welcome to existance
everyones here, everyones here
everybodys watching you now, everybody waits for you now
what happens next? what happens next?

i dare you to move, i dare you to move
i dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
i dare you to move, i dare you to move
like today never happened, today never happened before

welcome to the fallout, welcome to resistance
the tensions right here, i got your tension right here
between who you are and who you could be
between how it is and how it should be

i dare you to move, i dare you to move
i dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
i dare you to move, i dare you to move
like today never happened, today never happened before

maybe redemption has stories to tell
maybe forgiveness is back where you fell
where can you run to escape from yourself
where ya gonna go? where ya gonna go? salvation is here

i dare you to move, i dare you to move
i dare you to lift yourself, to lift yourself up off the floor
i dare you to move! i dare you to move!
like today never happened, today never happened, today never happened, today never happened before


i hereby declare "i dare you to move" by switchfoot as my favorite song ever. i have the cd version, the music video version, an exclusive recording, a high quality version, and i'm working on getting a studio quality version (360-400kbps as opposed to the ordinary 128-192) because it really is worth all that effort. i really want a live version or an acoustic version (i have meant to live in acoustic woo!) but they arent released yet.

i love the song so god damn much oh my GOD. i have to see switchfoot live someday.

UNFORTUNATELY aim wont let me finish my away message, so i can only put 90% of the song. which totally defeats the purpose.

i absolutely love the video version and the exclusive version, it really sounds live. i could put a cheering audience behind the exclusive version and call it live. i love stuff thats live.

i also love how john foreman changes some of the words and sings parts differently in the exclusive version. its good shit and i love it. i just hope i can get the 360k version, that would sound sooooo nice.

so tommroow i'm going to see king arthur with sarah eileen and ian. lol nobody else could really go... and then were gonna go swimming at ians house, rain or shine. most likely rain but hey.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE i pray to the gods take away my sore throat! its soooo painful and i've had like 40 cough drops and i keep drinking warm liquids and its like soo annoying jesus christ. ugh. i just want to feel healthy tommorow lol. i think getting some actual sleep would help it, so i should go to bed soon. i dont wanna oversleep again either.


ima showya howta make ya man say wo

oh that was soooo ghetto of me! of course.

ugh my throat is like pulling me down! all day i wanted to swim with everyone but i knew that would just make it worse. its like extremely painful. its not anythign big thoguh, its just something that happens. i had it in new zealand, and a few months ago. its just when i swallow it feels like i'm swallowing a brick or something. it reallly hurts and i cant think of like anything else. ughhh and all i wanna do is eat and drink!

but alas, we have no food.

speaking of the word alas, we saw harry today instead. lemme explain my morning:

i had set two alarms, one 10 minutes after the other one. 8:45 and 8:55. so the 8:45 one goes off, i have a vague recollection of it, and then i thought the song was ending when the 8:55 one ended, so i THOGUHT the first alarm had gone off, but in fact they both had. so i just kept sleeping, and eventually i was like hmmm. i got up and lookd at my watch and it was like 9:36. at first i was like lalala 9:36 what a lovely time. then i was like SHIT eileens gonna be here any minute!

so i like RAN up to the shower and as soon as i turned on the water the door bell rang...so i go out in my towel and im like hey...lol. and she was like if you need some time to get ready i'll go get sarah and come back. so that she did. and then we got to the movies and ian, em, matt, eric (eric ente, went to a movie with him and a few others once) james and katie were already there. and they were like hey..king arthur isnt playing at 10:15...they cancelled it for chicken run soemthing or other. we were all like WTF. but we ended up going to see harry potter 3 again (i could watch that movie ALL DAY its like sex) and i love that movie.

oh GOD i love that movie. its like perfect.

so then james left and the rest of us went back to matts, where jack and her mom were on the fast track to GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THERE. lol. so for a while everyone was swimming, except me cuz i felt like crap the whole time. then em and i called like 5503323 pizza places and NONE of them would deliver to berlin. so we decided eileen and ian would go out and get pizza from P & S pizza in clinton (named penis pizza by em and i) and they came back a bit later and ate. at some point katie left, and colleen arrived in her BIGASS TRUCK even though colleen is the smallest and nicest girl ever. its ironic. then mark batstone showed up. then he left. then em and i waited for her mom, who never showed up. so matt gave us both a ride home.

and that was my day :) i'm gonna go make some hot chocolate since hot chocolate and pepsi are the only things that really help my throat. i'm gonna ask my mom for some cough drops or something when she gets home, which should be any minute now.

it hurts so BAD OH MY GOD. ughhh... well ttyl! enjoy the new changes i made :)

haha btw, i stayed up till 5 this morning. i tried to go to bed between like 1 and 3, then at 3 i wsa like FUCK THIS im not falling asleep. so i got on the comp and read peoples journals, then made mine all pretty. all the new backgrounds were done in photoshop and stuff. :)

ok leaving for real now, byebye!

this will be the last time that i let you

i wanted it to read "so kiss me hard, cuz this will be the last time that i let you" but that was too long. even this is too long, but whatever.

after quite a bit of sloshing through crap and deceit, bob and i are totally over. like never speaking again over. i tried to be the mature person and end it in a nice way, but after i said the last bit i just blocked him. all 3 of his sns. i know he has loads more but that was an hour ago so he's not going to use them. and he didnt email me either. and i dont want him to, because it'll be mean and just make me mad.

i'm not even sad this time, and thats the good part. i know this is for the best. we simply didnt work. we're two different kinds of people, looking for two different things. and i wish him the best of luck in finding someone that meets every one of his ridiculously high standards, that can keep the whole thing a secret, and know exactly when something he's doing something that pisses bob off and can stop immediately. everythings a secret with him, and when he's mad it all comes out in the wrong way at the wrong time. its all a big game, and eventually you're going to lose, because bob is always right and everyone else sucks. he even makes his parents lose. they do everything for him. and he just bitches at them. i dont understand it! its not normal!

and the worst part is- and i wish him all the luck with this -he's never going to face the fact that he is GAY and no matter how much he tells himself that he can hide it, and that he might be bi he's going to stay the same way. and his friends will only get more mad at him over time, becuase the longer you wait to tell someone something like that, the more mad they are at you when you finally tell them. he didnt have to face US, but he's going to have to face himself. and his friends are going to have to face that too. and his parents. its not something thats going to go away, it'll get worse over time. so bob, do yourself a favor and stop hiding. stop kidding yourself and being somebody you're not. if some of your friends dont like it, they're not really your friends. and thats part of life.

i debobified my music, almost all the stuff he downloaded. i kept a few songs that i liked, emotion is dead, silver and cold, some stuff by garbage. but the rest is cold dead garbage (pardon the pun..if that is counted as a pun) and i dont think i'll ever get into that kind of stuff.

this is going to sound desperate, but i really wish there were more nice guys out there that arent fucked up on drugs and fucked up otherwise. i wish i could find someone thats right for me.

anyway. tommorow eileen's picking me up at 9:45ish and a big group of us is going to go see King Arthur at solomon. i left my mom a note upstairs (after cleaning up the kitchen a bit for her) asking for a 20, which i deserved since i've let 3 paychecks go into the bank without asking for my 20%. (which is $20, if you didnt know. so by now i'd have $60) so i hope that works out. otherwise i dont think i'll go, because i'm so sick of not having money and other people paying for me. as much as they dont care, and i know i wouldnt care either, it just makes me feel so horrible inside.

so anyway i'm pretty miserable tonight, not because of bob really but because of the mood it puts me in to talk to him. but i wont have to deal with that again. i'll find someone better, i deserve someone better.

my throat is still being mean but its not really as bad. webmd tells me to gargle hot salt water once every few hours, and thats what im gonna do. bah-leerg.

so its been a long day. sleep tight, chillunz


its a bittersweet symphony, this life

trynna make ends meet, trynna find some money then you die
i'll take you down the only road i never been down
you know the one that takes you to the places where all the things meet yea

<3 bittersweet symphony by the verve. awesome song.

so i redesigned today..and i like it..and it looks good...but i'm having second thoughts about using blogger. i went back to xanga for a bit today, and i discovered some very cool blogrings, and some amazingly designed journals.

i really love blogger, its easy and you can change everything around...but there are no blog rings, private entries, etc. bah! i cant find the perfect blog site.

so the songs of today are broken by seether/amy lee and bittersweet symphony.

gah i feel like crap. my throat still hurts and stuff....urg. tommorow it looks like i'm going out to king arthur with sarah and a bunch of people. :)

i sent out a GSA newsletter today, besides that i really didnt do much. i slept really late, after last nights late night level editing.

i'll come back later, im just gonna check out xanga really quickly.


set me free, your heaven's a lie

<33333333 heavens a lie

Thirteen random things you like:

-my friends
-the OC
-my new shirt a la mel & janine
-chinese food
-sexy little panda bears
-"dare you to move" by switchfoot
-your mother

Twelve movies:

-crouching tiger hidden dragon
-kill bill
-scary movie
-harry potter
-office space
-tomb raider
-the ring
-charlies angels

Eleven good bands/artists:

-linkin park
-story of the year
-the black eyed peas
-lost prophets
-vanessa carlton
-michelle branch

Ten good songs:

-dedicated by linkin park
-come clean by hillary duff
-dare you to move by switchfoot*****
-only one by yellowcard
-i miss you by blink
-take me away by lifehouse
-into dust by mazzy star
-this i promise you by *NSYNC
-god is a DJ by p!nk
-white flag by dido (and a million others)

Nine things about you... physically:

-i have hazel eyes
-i'm 5'8"
-my hair is short and not green anymore
-no braces
-i have a 10 size shoe
-i have a slight tan on like my arms
-my toe just stung for some reason
-my nails are trimmed
-i have a big hot --- coffee...

Eight favorite foods/drinks:

-ANYTHING chinese. orange chicken, teriyaki, fried rice...<3333
-bread and butter
-mint pattie ice cream from BO :D
-sierra mist
-orange soda

Seven things you wear daily:

-some kind of shirt
-some kind of pants/shorts that match the shirt
-some arrangement of sex bracelets that match those
-some kind of necklace that matches those
-some kind of "undergarment" :P

Six things that annoy you:

-people who never shut up
-pEoPlE dAt TyPe LyK dIs
-stupid people
-being left out of things
-computer crashing
-a certain someone

Five things you touch everyday:

-the computer
-my lightswitches
-your mother

Four shows you watch:

-the OC
-family guy
-south park

Three celebrities that are cool:

-mike shinoda
-angelina jolie (lara croft to be specific)
-benjamin mckenzie

Two people on lj that you have kissed:

-i can only think of one, who will remain unlisted
-your mother

One person you could spend the rest of your life with:

-your mother (sorry couldnt pick only one :-/)


24 oceans
24 skies
24 failures
and 24 tries
24 finds me
in 24th place
with 24 dropouts
at the end of the day
life is not what i thought it was
24 hours ago
still i'm singing spirit take me up in arms with you
and i'm not who i thought i was
24 hours ago
still i'm singing spirit take me up in arms with you

theres 24 reasons
to admit that i'm wrong
with all my excuses
still 24 strong

you see i'm not copping out, not copping out, not copping out
when you're raising the dead in me

oh, oh, i am the second man
oh, oh, i am the second man now
oh, i am the second man now
and you're raising these 24 voices
with 24 hearts
and all of my symphonies
in 24 parts

but i wanna be one today
centered and true
i'm singing spirit take me up in arms with you
you're raising the dead in me
oh, oh, i am the second man
oh, oh, i am the second man now
oh, i am the second man now
and you're raising the dead in me

i wanna see miracles, to see the world change
i wrestled the angel for more than a name
for more than a feeling, for more than a cause
i'm singing spirit take me up in arms with you!
and you're raising the dead in me

24 oceans
24 hearts
all of my symphonies
in 24 parts
life is not what i thought it was
24 hours ago
still i'm singin spirit take me up in arms!

i'm not copping out, not copping out
not, not copping out!

          (24 by switchfoot)


i love that song. and that quiz. they're both like sex! not that i would know but hey.

anyway today sucked up until em and joe came over :) it didnt suck all day..but it was like everyone was here all day. john slept over again tonight.

so em and i were talking and we really wanted to hang out, so she got a ride over and we hung out and played scattergories with john, then john left and joe came and we played mario party.

sorry about the lack of detail, my throat is driving me crazy and its sooo hard to concentrate. i'm gonna go find some like tylenol or something.


watching the world fall on you
i'm keeping my eyes closed
now i can see what this means to you
it meant nothing to me

this wasted so many nights and again
i've wasted so much time on a friend
too young too proud to understand
so this is the end!

perfect timing for you!
so hers my reminder of you!
it meant nothing to me!

          (razorblades by story of the year)

paint it paint it, paint it black

AHHHHHHHHH so like everyone is here and its like jesus christ people find somewhere to go! i thought i was going out today but i guess not. i think jack gets home at 5 or something, if she worked today. i dont know.

so i get up and surprise, everyone in the house (including john, who slept over) is hanging around upstairs. i dont get what the hell karl is doing home. he's supposed to work, its a WORK DAY. ughhhhadlkfjslk. john katie and i played mario party later, and katie was all pissed because she thought she would win but she lost. so she left, then john and i played perfect dark. then he and katie went in the pool and i talked to nathan for a bit. i went up to visit them in the pool and they were all bitchy about how i should go in the pool, and i was like jesus christ i think i'm sick its a crappy day out and the pool isnt as warm as normal, leave me alone i dont want to go in the fucking pool. so then i go inside and SURPRISE karl and kasey are like watching me. and michelle is watching TV. its like come on find something to DO get out of the house.

my throat is killing me. the usual thing....i hate it. its supposed to be crappy out most of this week. i really just want to get out of here and like do something with em and the cains. joe's working unfortunately :/

oh and eileen came over today...

i'd sent her the invitation and the uninvitation, then sarah told me i'd got her email wrong, that it was a 6 on the end not a 5. sarah had fwd'ed the invitation, but not the uninvitation, so eileen thought the party was still today..so she showed up at like 1 with a present and everything. i felt sooo bad omg. but she didnt care, its no big deal. she got me this cute little toad barn thing, hehe i loved it. it was nice of her, and she really didnt have to get me anything, since we're not too close but it was a nice thought. :) eileen is sooo nice!

so i'm kinda glad the party turned out to not be today. today is crap out, and i feel the same. i really needta see em..she needs to get home already.

ugh i need private posting features on this thing, i have other things to write about. blah!

ok thats enough for now, bye

i'm gonna shake up the system

ohhhhh good song! (die another day) so, my day, from start to finish, with only certain details left out.

10:00 - alarm goes off "lets get retarded" by the black eyed peas. i decide to reset it to 10:40, then i try to go back to bed, but my mom knocks like minutes later, quietly and im like mehh and shes like you should get up soon, people are coming at noon and i want to cut your hair. so i go upstairs, cross the kitchen in my "hair ware" (basically crappy old clothes i dont mind getting hairy) and michelle goes "whoa" and i'm like FUCK YOU BITCH. then i go in my moms room and surprise! karl is there too. its like jeez does everyone have to see me looking so skanky? so then i wait for my mom and she cut my hair. it doesnt look too bad, its really short though. bob would cry. too bad... theres a bit o' green left, but i'm going to highlight it pretty soon anyway, it'll look fine. so then karl put me to work husking corn, moving things around, and unwrapping things. a certain someone came over *hyperventilates* and then after a while i hung out with katie and keri. then at some point i checked AIM, and ian had a message up that said something about that he had nothing to do today, yet again. so i left him a message saying he was welcome to come over and party with us. gave him address and phone #, then waited for lyd and janine, who arrived shortly thereafter. always wanted to use THAT in a sentence.

so my mom invited diane mattuck, and eileen (her daughter, freshman at TRHS) obviously didnt really want to come. that or she was just naturally quiet. but when lyd and janine got here we offered to play pictionary with michelle and her. so we went upstairs and played, and i got black eyed peas and switchfoot burning down here so we'd have something to listen to. i <3 those bands. so that was a fun game, some tough ones but we lived. then michelles cousin kristin came in for the last few rounds, and after that michelle and her went into the pool. janine brought my present up when we got scattergories, and its AWESOME. they kept being all "if you dont like it, blame lyd" but i LOVED IT. janine had drawn matt from digimon (who i love, btw) and it looked awesome :) and they got me all different color sex bracelets, and a hot topic shirt that reads "sorry, i dont do girls" i'm like OH EM GEE hehehe. it'll be fun. i cant wear it too often, cuz people would be freaky about it, but i'll def. wear it when i can. it might help me sometime :)

i'm def. wearing it to six flags on september 19th, which we are SO going to!

so then we played a few rounds o' scattergories, and then waited downstairs for ian, who came shortly thereafter :D oh and btw, he called during scattergories. that might clear up the confusino lol. yes, confusino..i dont feel like fixing it. shut up its 12:24 bitch!

yay right thurr is playing.

ANYWAY BACK TO MY STORY. so we all changed, and went in the pool. it was freakin' 86 and good times. there was alot of drowning each other (which was good times) and splashing and stuff. <333 janine lyd and pinky!

btw people call ian pinky because his hair used to be pink. he did all colros too, but he doesnt do that anymore. ah well! but em calls him beefy, and i still have yet to find out why o_O

so we called jack at some point during the madness, and jane cain answered and was like "IM ON MY WAY!!!" and i was like WO! (ohhh mya :p) but then we cleared up that i wasnt jackie, mad that i wasnt picked up yet. lol. so then i arranged for jack to call me back, and she did...


shortly thereafter.

sorry had to say it! :P so we arranged that matt would pick us up at quote: "5 5:30 kinda ish" ohh good times!

we stayed in the pool well past 5, and we were like yea we'll go in in a few minutes..few more minutes...lol. then karl was like MAHHH (hehe stamps fist lyd) EAT SOME FOOD!!! btw karl was being bitchy all day, esp when we were helping set stuff up. he was like you cant stay hungry ALL DAY! and i was like watch me bitch. but after we got out i had 2 hotdogs and a fudgicle. im gonna get another one when this entry ends.

my mom said before we left that she wanted me home by midnight. more on that later.

so matt picked us up at like 6:15...lol...and we got there and just kinda hung out for a while. matt had sears trading cards, which turned out to be coupons. then we ended up upstairs watching aladdin and a crazy panda/crazy cat doing dances. we were all like awww i <3333 aladdin. and who doesnt? it was good times. then we went downstairs and ate stuff, before joe showed up. so get this- matt drove ian, lyd, janine and i, and joe drove jack. joe later told me they were like "ok everyone hates us..." but i really didnt want to leave lyd and janine alone with either driver, and lets face it...ian with jack? not happening :p so sorry guys, lol. then after some confusion, we ended up at the fireworks. i talked to nathan for a while, well actually everyone did but i talked to him most :) he's gonna call me when he gets the new phone cards, and he said he mailed like 4 notes. i was like omg i love you nate. he needs to get home!

the fireworks were freakin' loud but they were really short. so like 15 minutes later we left, deciding to go to wendys. i went with ian and matt, and we saw a bumper sticker that read "kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole chicken" and it was funny. i told ian i'd remember it for him. its going in his info, yo! but after driving through white city, we decided to go back through white city and to friendlys, cuz it was open. i got a mud pie madness, as usual. good times!

oh, and matt said the best thing EVER.

"crack's the quiet one liner type...he'll stay quiet for a few minutes, then come up with a great one liner. and its beautiful." i was like awww thanks lol. i'm not really that quiet, at least i wasnt this time. but still, he hit the nail right on the head. god dammit i hate that phrase. i vow never to use it again. anyway. that was fun! then we were just hanging around for a while, before we decided that friendlys needed us to leave. so we went and hung out and decided who would drive who. ended up matt and jack taking lyd and janine, and joe taking ian and i. otherwise nobody would make their curfew pretty much. so partway through the ride joe asked me if i wanted to come for the ride, and of course i did :) we had to drop ian in clinton. joe sang "rainbow connection" during the way there, it was just BEAUTIFUL joe :D

then we dropped him off, and all the things she said came on. which is extreemlly ironic but i cant tell you why. god i was surprised to hear that song. i loooveee it. so joe and i both sang it. then die another day came on, and i love that too so we sang it.

then we had a discussion about something hehe. it was funny.

then joe got me home - get this - EXACTLY at midnight. like his clock said 0:00 cuz its military and ghetto, and the clock inside said 12:00. i was like joe you're amazing. lol.

so i peed and used proactiv, and now here i am, 40 minutes later, typing an entry for my journal..oh what a loser i am! so i'll probly change and go right to bed, i'm exhausted. it was quite a day.

jack and matt want to do somethin with me tommorow, and em is coming home.

i'd love to have ian and em over to swim this week, we'd been talking about that for a while but haven't done it yet.

so i have a feeling its gonna be a busy week. i'm really afraid that people might not have got my uninvitation (my party was cancelled, FYI) and might just show up tommorow and noon and i'll probly be asleep and they'll be like WTF. lol. i know kelly didnt know until a bit ago.

bah its my dads weekend! i dont mean that in a bad way, i mean i love going over there, but last time was kinda ehhh..everything got kinda effed up (at least for katie) and nathan was uncontrollable. screaming all the time. god i felt so bad for them. hopefully this time will be better.

so this friday will be the 2-week anniversary of using proactiv. and i've been good about it, only missed 2 applications and thats not bad. esp when added that i havent missed the other 26. i really hope it works, most people see changes after 2-3 weeks. i'm willing to wait all summer, i just want to look good again for school and stuff. for obvious reasons, eh?

anyway you probly didnt need to hear that..but i talk about nearly everything in here. nearly everything.

so today was awesome. i love all of you. joe, jack, matt, ian, lyd, janine...you guys made my day. thank you.

and i hope everyone else had a great fourth of july as well.

love always,

<3 cracktastic


everybody, get into it, get STOOPID!

so i've declared my eternal love for the black eyed peas. this is their 4th single i've fallen in love with, and i'm now listening to the rest of the cd. they have a lot of good stuff!

today at work was blahhh... that place really goes to crap during the week, when i'm not there. nobody emptied out the juice things all week so when i got there it was overflowing all over the place. (you know, the little containers under the juice spout, so if people spill some it goes into that) and it had obviously been there for days, since it shredded my napkins even when i put lysol and stuff on it. everyone leaves their crap everyhwere and i hate it..lol

i <3 kelly, laurie, and that new girl whose name i'm not sure of. she's relaly nice :)

jamie wasnt too psyched today when i asked to take tommorow off...i mean i figured it wouldnt even be open! who goes to a furniture store on the 4th of july??!?!?! bah! but i said i'd make extra cookies in the boxes, and everything is wicked stocked up, so he said it'd be fine. and i'm glad :)

so i'm hungry. i'm gonna go eat somethin, maybe i'll write later. i <333333333 the black eyed peas! and YOU!

tell me, why you love me like that?

perfect song for one of my current situations. some of you will know it...look into the lyrics. also, us against the world. has double meanings as far as the same situation.

but i will write no more ;)

so i apologize for freaking out on all of you in the last entry. i just needed to blow up at them, lol. but i meant every word. they really do drive a person crazy...

ANYWAY. today was fun after all :) vanessa came over at like 10 past 3 and we waited around for joe and jack. joe had a fun story for us :D so we went downstairs and for a while it was just talking, but then we started playing mario party. i won :D wooo!! jack found out she really has no mario party skills, unfortunately. but that's def a fun game, and i bet we'll play it at the next party we have over here. i <3 mario party muchly. then we played a bit o' pictionary, and joe/jack kicked vanessa/i's ass. i'm really no good at pictionary most of the time, lol. we didnt do too bad, we were right behind them when 6'oclock came around. then vanessa got picked up, and em went online so we talked to her. we ended up picking her up, and kaylee (her niece, for those of you crazy mofos that didnt know that) had to come with us cuz she needed to be babysat. that makes sense right? is babysat a word? i dont know. sit sat. babysit babysat. ANYWAY. kay was all dressed up and stuff, because she thought matt was coming. more on that later!

so we decided on TGI fridays, and katie (not even going to TRY to spell her last name) sat us. i remember the time she worked at bertuccis and we kept trying to call her but she kept walking right by. lol twas funny. that was my initiation! dont worry no hazing was involved :D that was fun times, i miss that stuff from last summer. this summer just started though, there's still 2 months left.

anyway we all ordered, i believe everyone but jack and i got chicken fingers, jack got some chicken thing and i got garlic chicken. kay got a shirley temple, hahaha...thats so classic. she also got an oreo madness (maggots, mangoes, magnets??!?!?! MADNESS!! hehe good times) dessert thing. we all had a little of it. i love when joe tries to feed people lol. anyway that was good, 'cept i felt horrible cuz i only had $3 with me. they never seem to care, but i hate that. i wish my mom had been home before, so i could have had her take money out of my account and give me cash lol. that's what we usually do. but now i have stuff going in through direct deposit and i have my ATM card, she just needs to teach me how to use it. then i'll never be broke :) and im def. gonna treat all those guys some time :)

so then we went back to ems, and em introduced us to her new car, which jack quickly named "diane" and i thought somethin was kinda funny..it was an oldsmobile ciera SL, so i was like diane TUciera....haha diane tucceri...you get it. :p well if you go to tahanto you do anyway. but i didnt make that comment. then kay was driving us all (esp em) insane, and after playing tic tac toe with each of us she decided she wanted to throw dirt all over joe, who wasted no time in getting her back. then kay went inside and we were talking for a few. em went in and then we followed and tried to decide what we were gonna do.

our options were:
1)all go home
2)wait for matt to get home from work and go to fireworks, since joe was going out with james at 10
3)i dont know

and we decided on going to fireworks on sunday instead (holy shit i just looked at my watch and it said saturday, and i didnt realize it was 1AM so i was like SHIT I MISSED WORK TODAY but i didnt..lol) which is tomorow. and im like yay :)

so then we dropped off jack, and joe asked if i wanted to go to the movie. we figured jack wouldnt like it. plus, she gets to go to spiderman 2 with randy johnson (hahahaha poor girl) tommorow morning. party hard! so i was like sure what the hell. we picked up james, then went to the movie.

watched the movie. and now here i am! the movie was good times. have i mentioned lately how much i love my friends?

oh and jack posted our photobooth pics, i forgot to write about that. while we were still at the mall, we went to a photobooth and all managed to fit in there, and we did 4 poses. smile, tongue, bunny ears, and everybody kiss kaylee. then we did like a brady bunch thing, lol it was funny. i'll post a link to the scanned pics tommorow, but i'm too lazy now. i'm so tired. i have to get up in 6.75 hours for work. i really dont want to work tommorow.

hmm...whats going on tommorow as far as work? that was a stupid question now that i think about it. i dont think it'll be open. lol. i'll go check the site, then go to bed.

like good little boys. night!


cuz it feels so empty, without me

anyone want to adopt me for a while? i really cant stand my family anymore. would it feel empty without me here? i know katie and my mom would be upset. kasey would be bored. but ir eally cant take it anymore. everyone is always hanging around here. karl is always home. he needs to go to WORK! jesus christ. its always "oh karl is tired becuase he's working all the time" but how can he work when he's always HANGING AROUND THE GOD DAMN HOUSE, taking up the phone, the sink, the shower, the internet, whatever seems to be most important at the time. and hes' fuckign annoying and making these god damn lame comments and yu just want to STRANGLE HIM. the 3 of them were up there when i was trying to make mac and cheese, and they were just hanging around yelling at each other and i was like glaring at the microwave, as if it got me into this mess. i thoguht the house was friggen empty when i got there,m but there goes the freakin' party van and michelel and karl start hanging around. as if kasey wants being annoying enough.

whats worse, the mac and cheese came out horrible. the original kind is just gross, i can only eat spirals or spongebob now. i've found there IS different cheese, plus orignal just SUCKS. so here i am with a gross bowl of mac and cheese, waiting for karl to stop hanging around in there so i can go dump it out. and wash out my freaking bowl and big spoon thing. because he had to take up the sink for like 10 minutes cooling down the stew. at the least convienient time. and he was standing there whistling out of tune in his boxers. which is fucking disgusting because he really needs to shave his back or something. my god.

i hate this family, its so fucked up. i wish karl had got that business where he had to go on a business trip like half the month or whatever. i know that sounds mean, and half of you think i'm some sadistic fuck, but you dont live with them. they would drive you crazy too. i cant even think about this right now. joe, jack, and vanessa are coming over in an hour. hopefully the house will be empty, and this mac and cehese will have been disposed of by them.

in my rage, i forgot to call em back..i was gonna leave a funny message.

i called up and the message was hey you've reached {their number here, im not putting it online} we're not here right now etc. press *1 if you want to leave a message for cecil or eloise, *2 for brandi or kaylee, or *3 for emily or talula. (talula is ems cat, for those of you who dont know) and i was gonna call back and say "hey talula...still wanna go see that movie tonight? what, your new catfood is no good? awww thats no fun! well, call me back!" and then be like "actually. i'm not calling for talula! its crack for em. call me back." lol.... i'm so witty

but in my rage, i forgot to get the phone...well i'll go do that in a few.

just give me a sign, say anything say anything...

oh i miss my GC days.

people really need to stop walking back and forth upstairs. its so annoying. it wakes me up every morning. footsteps going that way, the other way, everywhere. it doesnt stop. it keeps going. and i'm like oh my goodness i'm going to go knock that person out. and it also signifies that people are hanging around the house and i hate that. i wish it was 3 lol, i really need my friends. *sigh*

please dont walk away, i know you wanna stay, just give me a sign, say anything say anything

i'm fallin, i'm fallin, i'm fallin down...
i'm fallin, i'm fallin, i'm fallin down...
down, Down, DOWN!!!!!!!
dont say a word, i know you feel the same
just give me a sign, say anything say anything
pelase dont walk away, i know you wanna stay
just give me a sign, say anything say anything
pleeeeasee dont leave! say anything say anythign
pleseeeasee dont leave!! say anything say anything!

oh GC. <33333

this house has no freaking FOOD. i'm gonna go scout the premises, clean my bowl out thats up there, grab the phone, and if nobody is around, i'll bring my mac and cheese disaster up to the trash. then i'll come back and call em.



and i'd rather be in love...with you

ohh michelle branch!

so i'm getting back into the tomb raider level editor. :) fo real this time, yo.

i'm sequeling my stunningly attractive (if i do say so myself) short level ta phrom.

haven't decided on a name yet..but here's some screenies. clickie go biggie!

lemme know if you like those :) and thats just the beginning too, the rest wont be as dark but it'll be even prettier.

i have some great ideas for this level...for instance the part i just finished. you slide down a waterfall which is INSIDE a tree! then you come out at the foot of the tree in a small pool of water. it looks awesome, but i still have a lot of work to do.

so anyway, its 2:46 now and i REALLY need to go to bed. i'm sooo tired! like nobodys BUSINESS. but i'm excited about the level and i dont really wanna sleep. bah!

i'm hoping em can still come over tommorow. it's looking like we cant drive her home, and i dont know whats going on with everything...and she hasn't been online...so i'll probly call her tommorow and see whats up.

lyd came over today and it was fun times! we watched kill bill 2, played a bit o' zelda and talked quite a bit. i loovveee lydia! :)

tommorow i wanna post a list of who is def. coming, def. not coming, or hasnt replied to my email yet as far as my party. cuz i wanna see it with my own two eyes. my eyes really hurt...

so i should go to bed...

and i'm gonna go do that. lemme know if you like those screens, peepz!

night ^_~